Have you ever stopped doing something because you can no longer remember why you started doing it in the first place or the reason that you started no longer feels valid? That is how I have been feeling with this blog. I haven’t written in three weeks because I could no longer see the purpose behind it. The one I originally had has slowly faded away and now I wonder why I even started.
This isn’t the first time this has happened either. Matter of fact this has happened each and every time I started writing a blog. I would start out with high hopes and a plan of action of what I am going to write and when I am going to write. The say the best way to plan a blog is to have a back log of posts already made so I would do that too.
But then after a while the back log posts would seem lame or not relevant to who I was at the moment and I would loose interest in my own writing until I would stop writing all together. Then I would take a break, sometimes a really long break, reassess and then come back with a whole different angle. One blog I changed the direction of so many times that I couldn’t even tell what it was about anymore.
Every time I stopped and every time I didn’t write I always felt like I was letting people down. I don’t know who though because I don’t even know how many people actually read this blog besides me. Either way I would pressure myself to write because of it and slowly feel the joy of writing starting to dwindle away.
I would write certain pieces and then think “man who is this narcissistic know it all”. Or I would read another piece and think “I wonder if people can actually tell that i don’t really care about this topic and am just posting it for the sake of posting something”. On and on and on.
Heres the thing, I started out doing this for me and ended up doing it for an invisible somebody else who pressured me with deadlines and more relevant topics and the need to be entertaining but meaningful, and some how I got lost in the process. But you know what, this is nothing new.
We start things and get lost in the process of doing them until we get so fed up we throw our hands up in the air and just say “screw it, I’m done!” But we aren’t done, because we don’t really want to be, we just want things to go back to how it was in the beginning before it got so complicated for no reason.
They say you need to go back in order to go forward. Sometimes this is true. Going back doesn’t really mean to start start from scratch, it just means you need to reassess how you got to where you are now so you know where to go in the future.
So I am reassessing this blog and many other things in my life and then I am going forward.